Fat mom

Any "The Office" fans out there remember the episode where Pam is pregnant for the second time and she's really hormonal and emotional and she has that mini meltdown where she's wailing about how she used to be pretty and skinny but "now I'm just a fat mom!" Yeah. That's me. I am such a fat mom right now.

I was warned by a friend who knows from experience: once you stop breastfeeding, the weight gain hits you like a fucking bullet right between the eyes....or in my case, the tummy. Yeah, as if the c-section scar didn't accentuate my mom gut enough, the absence of breastfeeding has now given me a full blown spare tire around my midsection. It's my own fault. I didn't listen. I was cocky and riding the high of being back to my pre-pregnancy weight so fast after giving birth (again, thank you, breastfeeding). I let myself fall under the spell of this delusion that I could eat whatever I wanted with no consequences because I had birthed a human and now I hardly had time to eat myself, and surely someone who is constantly feeling starved like I am isn't gaining a bunch of weight, right? WRONG. SO. WRONG. 

Ladies, take heed! If you're an old crone like me, and you're in a place in your life where it's more difficult to lose weight, exercise (because of all the sciatica) or just have healthy habits in general (because you're exhausted and love wine too much), start formulating your plan of action now, because once you stop producing that liquid gold for your baby, your ass will get fat. Quickly. It will sneak up on you and punch you in the face when you're distracted by wine or daycare or your baby's first cold or whatever the fuck else seems more important at the time than your vanity.