Motherhood is...

Motherhood is:

-learning how to shower in five minutes or less.

-walking around in a nursing bra with your shirt up over your boobs for much of your day.

-eating your food like a feral dog because a) you're starving after breastfeeding/pumping, b) someone else is holding the baby while you eat first, c) you need to get through this meal before the baby starts crying/wakes up/causes a scene/needs to eat again.

-a dichotomy of wanting to go to bed at 9pm because you're fucking exhausted and wanting to stay up because it's the only time you have without a baby hanging off you.

-pumping one last time before you go to bed, no matter how tired you are, so your boobs don't explode overnight.

-wishing he was bigger so he could do things like feed himself but simultaneously longing for the days when he was a newborn and was so little you could cuddle him with one arm no problem.

-feeling love and resentment and frustration and joy and despair all at once, at any given time, for any number of scenarios.

-getting up and checking just to ensure the baby is breathing and isn't cold multiple times a night. (This was most prevalent in the first few months, but I still do it.)

-being the most nonchalant about poop and vomit since you were a kid yourself.

-saying goodbye to your sex life for however long because a) your boobs belong to your baby now and it's weird to have them manhandled by anyone else, b) you feel unattractive anyway, c) if the choice is sleep or sex, sleep will win every time.

-kissing those baby toes and letting your baby grab and claw at your face and eyes with their grubby hands and sneeze into your mouth, despite being the world's biggest germ-a-phobe.

-becoming the world's biggest germ-a-phobe.

-sprinting up the stairs to him like Usain Bolt because he's crying and needs his paci back in his mouth.

-staying in your pj's until 2pm on your days off because you're too tired to get dressed, your pre-pregnancy pants still don't button and what if the universe treats you to an unexpected opportunity to nap?

-getting ready to leave the house two hours ahead of time because that's just how long that shit takes now.

-taking a dump with the bathroom door open because you managed to sneak away while the baby's sleeping but more than likely he'll decide to wake up right in the middle of your BM because why wouldn't he.

-feeling foolish and damn humble about every preconceived notion you had about being a parent before you actually became one.

-not giving two shits about your hair or lack of makeup or the belly pooch you now have because you grew a human, for fucks sake, and if that doesn't allow you to be lax on your appearance, I don't know what does. (This one was so liberating for me, but don't worry, vanity has started to creep back in somewhat now that I'm back to work and the baby is six months old.)

-sniffing that newborn's head like it's a line of coke on a mirror.

-sleeping with your glasses on and with the baby monitor on full volume right next to your bed even though the actual baby is sleeping just six feet away from your bed in his crib.

-being way more concerned about your baby's pooping habits than seems normal and analyzing said poop like a goddamn Nobel Prize scientist.

-constant second-guessing yourself about every little thing that has to do with your baby and maybe your entire life in general.

-looking at the 6,000 pictures of your baby on your phone during the work day just to have a reason to smile.

-dying for a night off from parenting only to find yourself missing your little one like crazy.

-wishing your partner would do more to help you with the baby and then he does but he's doing it wrong so just give me the baby and I'll do it.

-going straight to the baby aisle every single time you go to Target, whether you actually need anything for baby or not, and most likely finding something you need.

-tearing up/crying every time you talk about anything that has to do with children or babies or ads for diapers or Subarus.

-feeling guilty that you don't see your friends as much anymore but not enough to do anything about it. (at least in the beginning; eventually you will need and want to get out and have some girl time with the ladies)

-feeling guilty about most things in your life: your dirty house, the to-do list getting bigger, neglecting your spouse, pets and self, eating out again for the third night in a row because you didn't have the time or energy to make dinner, etc.

-making up a song about EVERYTHING just to make your baby smile and/or keep him from crying.

-making all these grand plans in your head about what your child is going to be like when he's x years old, but knowing in the back of your mind that you have no idea what he's going to be like, and that's pretty terrifying.

-contorting your body and enduring some fucking profound back and neck pain in order to breastfeed the baby.

-the most important thing I, personally, have ever done. I am so grateful to be his mom.