Picture this, as I'm sure many moms can easily do: it's my kiddo's first day at daycare. He's one year old. Drop-off was full of tears and him frantically grasping for me as I tried to limit my hugs goodbye to a mere fifteen. When I finally managed to get my sorry ass out the door and to my car, I sat in the car and cried for about ten minutes. I had taken the day off work because I knew I would be worthless there that day, and I spent the rest of my day leaning on my mom and sisters for support as I intermittently weeped over my baby's first day away from me. If I'm correct, I believe I picked him up by 4pm that day, unable to spend another minute with him possibly thinking I abandoned him to a bunch of strangers.
Fast forward to today: my kiddo is 2 1/2 years old and has just changed classrooms this week. He has a new teacher but familiar friends in his class. When I drop him off at school, my routine now is to fill out his daily sheet, give it to him to take to his teacher and ask for "one more hug, one more kiss" before sending him into his day, which he has gotten pretty good at doing without any fuss. Today was pretty normal; he took his sheet from me and started to walk away, and I quickly pulled him back for "one more hug, one more kiss." He endured this affection from me and as I stood up to leave, he walked over to his teacher, gave her his sheet and took his place on the floor where the other kids were sitting for story time. He didn't even give me a backward glance, which is not necessarily a bad thing, as we've had our share of difficult goodbyes because I've lingered too long and/or he just doesn't want to let go of me. I exited the building, got into my car, gave myself a high five in my mind for a quick, easy drop off...and then I started to tear up.
I'm happy my kid feels confident enough now that he doesn't need to cling to me or cry because I'm leaving him. He knows well enough now that "mommies and daddies come back." And this is a great thing; it means he feels good about his teachers and his friends and his school, which makes me feel good about those things, and also I'll probably get to work on time. But because the emotions of a mom are so fucked up and nuanced, at the same time I felt a little sad, too. It was a "happy" sad, which I can't really explain, but for the moms reading this, you already know what I'm talking about, and I don't have to put it into words. You understand exactly how I was feeling this morning after drop-off and why I was feeling that way, because more than likely you've been right there with me yourself. Being a mom is totally messed up sometimes.
