(Late post re: Mother's Day)
I heard Tupac's "Dear Mama" today, but not Boyz II Men. Guess I'll have to play it on YouTube while I write about my Mother's Day.
Since Remy was only three months old on my first official Mother's Day, I feel like I didn't yet have enough real life experience of being a mom to really define what the day meant for me. As of this mother's day, Remy is almost 15 months old, so I've had a little over a year to be his mom and reflect on my experiences thus far.
At the risk of sounding like a boring cliche, being a mom really is the best job in the world, but for a variety of reasons. It's more than just loving this little person you've created and are now responsible for. Obviously my love for him is infinite and boundless and sometimes completely indescribable. But the ways in which being a mom have innately changed me are significant and sometimes unexpected. For example, I've always been somewhat of a bleeding heart anyway. But now that I have a kid, my heart bleeds three times as much for just about anything and everything. I read an article about an abused child: I cry. I see a movie and a little kid is feeling scared, I tear up. A coworker's brother-in-law dies, leaving behind young kids: I can't even talk about it without crying.
I worried about needless shit before. I worry about EVERYTHING now. Is he cold at night? Or is he too warm? Is he getting enough to eat? Is he eating good stuff? Is the tag on his shirt itchy? Shit, I forgot to brush his teeth today. Does he get too much screen time? Is he developing too slow? When will he give up his paci? Is he on point with talking? What if he falls off the couch and breaks his neck? Will he adjust ok to his new classroom? Why are his poops hard? Are his shoes supportive enough? Will he make friends easily? Will he be a kind person?
Being a mom is exhausting. I've never had to plan ahead so much in my life. They say women already have like a thousand times more things running through their brains than men do. With kids, it's a BILLION more. We've got multitasking down to a fucking art, people. Because we HAVE TO. If we didn't remember the snacks and the bottles and the food and the laundry and the diapers and the lotion and the outfit changes and the burp cloths and the sunscreen and the strollers and the socks and the sun hats and the teething beads and the drool bibs, the world would implode on itself. This is not to say that dads or other parental figures don't do their fair share, but the role of mom has facets that you can't even imagine until you're knee deep in a Google image search on baby diarrhea. But even on my most tired of days, I almost never pass up the opportunity to rock my boo to sleep. I enjoy my nights off when I get to have dinner with friends or family, and my husband takes the wheel for the evening. But truly, I feel unbalanced and discombobulated if I'm not there when he goes to bed for the night. It's weird, but true.
As my baby gets ready to transition to the toddler room at daycare, I think I finally understand a little why women choose to have multiple kids; like more than just two. For us, the idea of having more than one kid (or any at all) depends heavily on finances and what that picture looks like. It's never occurred to me to have more than two kids, because when I think about how that looks I usually hone in on the financial aspect first and foremost. But as my kid gets older and starts looking more like a "toddler" and less like a "baby," I understand way more why the idea of more babies could be appealing. My little guy is growing up, and as much as I want him to stay a baby forever, it ain't gonna happen. As difficult as my first few months were as a new mom, I long for the days when my baby was, well, a baby. And the older he gets, the bigger that ache gets. And how can I alleviate that ache?? Have more babies, right?? Now, I don't know if this is why other women choose to have multiple kids. But I could see it being the reason why I would.
This Mother's Day, my gift to myself was a little necklace with a monogram of my kid's first initial. It might be trite, but it means a lot to me and helps me feel like I'm carrying my baby around with me all day. See, I told you I'm twice as much of a bleeding heart as I used to be.
