Well, we survived our first week of daycare. I ain't gonna lie...it was rough. There were lots of tears and sobbing and a lot of desperate clinging, not to mention how hard it was on the baby.
I know it's going to take time for my boy to get used to new people and a new place. I know he just needs time to build his confidence and sense of security around strangers, without mom there to cling onto. I know he will get more and more comfortable being cared for by his teachers. I know that daycare will benefit future him when it's time to adapt or adjust to a new situation, and he has the mental and emotional tools to do so successfully. I know that wet cough and runny nose is helping to build his immune system. I know a little solo time to whine and not get immediate attention is going to help him become more independent and self-sufficient in the long run. I know it will get easier on both of us. I know all this. But knowing and feeling are two different things, and I know that I feel worry, guilt, sadness and anxiety when I drop him off. This change is as much a transition for me as it is for him. He may be the one attending daycare, but mom is also experiencing the stress of a new situation, and it is hard.
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Tension. Fear. Stress. Worry. Anxiety. Sadness. Panic. Paranoia.
No, these aren't buzzwords for the new "Saw" movie. This is just a glimpse of what's happening inside my head right now. Why? Because it's the kid's first day of daycare is tomorrow, and I am a fucking race car in the red.
File this shit under "pre-baby smugness." Before I had my baby, I never would've imagined the spectre of daycare would cause me this much anxiety. I just assumed daycare was one of those rites of passage that most kids (and parents) go through and it's not a big deal because millions of kids go to daycare every day and it's basically like school but with poopy diapers and naps, right? Well, yes. But holy Jesus and Buddha's mom, I am fucking FREAKING OUT over it. The idea of someone else other than myself or an immediate family member watching my kid for 8+ hours a day, several days a week?? I think my head just exploded twice.
Look, I know daycare is no biggie in the grand scheme of the universe. But you have to understand something: I am a control freak to the max. And I'm a germaphobe. And I'm OCD. And did I mention what a control freak I am?? Yes, I want my baby to be well-adjusted to a myriad of environments and people, but here's the thing: I am terrified and paranoid about other people. There are so many fucked up individuals on this planet that don't think anything about putting their shoes sole-side-down on someone's countertop, and that is a fucking problem for me. Not to mention your average psycho caregivers who think it's ok to let a kid sit in a poopy diaper for more than 55 seconds! Crazies, right??
This is tough test of parenthood, right here. I had a small meltdown last night in which I asserted that I was not sending my kid to daycare, period, and then I proceeded to sob with snot and tears running down my face while blubbering about how my baby is going to think I left him with strangers and we'll both be traumatized over it. My poor husband; he's going to have to take care of two crying people tomorrow. Super fun for him!
I had a pep talk with the kiddo in the car tonight about daycare, and even though he can't understand me, I feel like we had a moment or two of mutual understanding and clarity about the whole situation. And if not, there's a bar about 100 yards away from daycare...Mommy will go self-medicate and numb the pain while the kid does the heavy lifting.
Fuck. Wish me luck!
